The Gift of Giving Gifts

These days, I am seeing a trend in my gift giving. Lately the gifts have been for those that are leaving, and is tradition to my closure practices, I search to find something that I can create that is a connecting point of my experience with that person and the place I interacted with them. For the two co-workers leaving next, their gifts fell right into play.

The challenge comes in those gifts you are expected to give every year. I try my best to take notes during the year. Discovering what people are interested in or finding something that is connected to a memory we share. This year, while my painting hand itching to create something, the medium was not a hard choice. The toughest part was figuring out the subject matter and facing head on the idea that what I see in my head will not be exactly what I will see on paper.

And so this Father’s Day, my gift to my dad was really about me. It was a representation of what he brought into my life. Music. The type of music is a minor detail compared to the deep appreciation he has for it. It is a wonderful, on-going gift that continues to be given. And for that, Dad, I am grateful.

Unsettled

Saturday, June 11, 2016 - King Kamehameha Day

I am not going to lie, my last shift at work just seemed off. I couldn’t find that sweet spot that I usually step right into. I usually know what I need to and where I need to enter and exit. I have mulled it over so many times in my head; analyzing the finer details that made me feel so unsettled. Whether being pulled by those above me or those around me as I found myself in one crisis intervention after another, I never found a moment to just breathe. During the car ride home, I just wanted to escape from everything around me, but how can one do that when wedged between a wall of luggage and a co-worker in the back seat of an SUV? So I endured the ride home with ear-buds in hoping the universal sign of leave-me-be would ring loud and true. It didn’t even matter that I only had two songs on my iPod. My desire to be transported to another time and place was so strong that I gave thanks for the repeat button.

Sunday, June 12, 2016 - Beach Day on Kona side

Usually I find rest in the fabulous thought that while I do work 8 days in a row, I then get to jump into a 6-day vacation. I usually find it very easy to relish in these glorious 6 days. With adult responsibilities and to-do list getting longer and longer, I felt a weight on my shoulders the moment I woke up Friday morning. I needed to get things done but was unable to talk myself into getting started. Pressure looming.

It took until Tuesday morning for some of that pressure to be released.

I find it interesting how the unsettled feeling inside was also reflected somewhat in the adventures, activities and conversations I participated in not to mention the events happening around the country. 

Even now, as I sit and reflect on the past 14 days, I am unsure of what to make of it. I wander from event to event, wondering how all of the pieces are going to shift next, trying to anticipate the next tipping point. I am at a loss of what I need to do – if anything.  It could be just as simple as the fact that I have been working at this job for 10 months now and have taken only 1 shift off. Maybe it is just time for another break. I could too be stuck on the way things used to be, wanting to turn back time before all of the changes that are taking place even began.  Or maybe it isn’t just one thing. We all have bad days. We are human and finding ourselves in a funk every now and again does seem commonplace. However, I find this ache within me questioning.

Monday, June 13, 2016 - White Rd Adventure with Annie

I went on a hike with Annie on Monday. Prior to going, I had heard other people’s tales of their experience on this trail. I patched the bits and pieces together in my brain. Although I had a great time exploring an unfamiliar place, the experience I was having was just not adding up. There had to be something I was missing. Too much of what I was gathering wasn’t fitting in place. I ended the hike with more questions than answers.

Who knows? Maybe at 4pm today, when I receive that ever-anticipated email speaking my next 8-day assignment into being, the unsettled feelings with vanish. At this point I am not really entertaining any other ideas. I will cross those bridges, only when I am 100% sure that they exist.

Continuing to Release

As I continue to release the artistic push I feel inside, I am finding that I am still looking to the next project. I finish one and I move on to the next. I am drawn to ones that tell a story. The more and more I research paintings to study the more and more I am discovering how I am drawn to simplicity. As a person I am very detail oriented and very realistic. I see every color and every line. Although you can be very detailed with watercolor, the medium has a unique characteristic that allows you to use as little paint as possible while still offering great effects. That is what I continue to play with and learn as I am slowly figuring out what I want to say when the time comes. So the study continues…

Adventure Tuesdays have Returned

Over the past few months my adventures during my off shifts have been full of other exploring other islands or I am so exhausted I just sleep the majority of the time. With all of the turn over of people at work those that I would have adventured with in the past have moved on and my bike only carries me so far.

This week though it felt like old times as I jumped in the car with two of my co-workers and we headed to Kona side to find a beach. I never thought I would be able to say this, but I went to a Hawaiian beach and we had the whole beach to ourselves - truly unbelievable. Granted it was one of those situations where we parkers in a small strip of gravel off the side of the rode and had to hike across a lava field for a while. The barbed wire too might have deterred the average tourist away, but our kama`aina status kept us moving forward. (The sign that said “beach” with an arrow also was very encouraging.) My hope is that this little beach day adventure has once again kick-started the wonderful Monday and Tuesday adventure days of old.  Thanks Big Island for keeping the adventures coming.

3 at Once

The goodbyes continue. Three fabulous women are seeking their adventures back on the mainland. As goodbyes are becoming more and more frequent the task should get easier, but it doesn’t. I think the quantity and quality of these ladies makes this goodbye that much harder to swallow. Still, I am glad we took the time to celebrate their chapter here in Hawaii; to move past the sadness and focus on the glimmers of excitement for what is in store for each them.  Katrina, Julianna, and Carrie, as you spread out across the great 48 please know that you will be very much missed.

Putting "Embracing the Mess" to the Test

For a good solid year, I work my way through the Be Messy Journal that Aletheia and I published almost two years ago now. I was faithful to the task. I practiced letting go or perfection and telling myself to just let it flow out of me. And I did. And it worked. I saw tremendous growth and a smoother connection between my brain and my hand.

But that project ended a while ago.

After a serious conversation with myself where I laid down some hard-core real-talk, I did one of my first pieces of artwork outside of the journal’s pages. I had no excuse really. I had authentic watercolor paper, paints, brushes, and a whole pinterest board of subject matter. I was the only thing holding myself back. I could easily tell myself, “oh you have never had any classes in watercolor before. You don’t know the first thing about it. If you make a mistake, it isn’t like oil or acrylic paints where you can just paint over it.”

Instead, I said, “Heather. Get over yourself. This does not need to be something that you have to hang on a wall. It is an opportunity to have to try, experiment, and learn. Read a post about traps that beginners fall into and go from there. Plus you have nothing but time to work on it so just go for it and see what happens.”

So this is what happened. I messed up. I learned and I exposed the lies I tell myself to the truth I know deep down. I can do it and I can do it for myself. No one else, just me.

Short Term 12

On our last night in Maui, we stayed at an air bnb run by a women named Janice. Janice was super sweet and welcoming. Through conversation Annie and I told her we were programs guides in a wilderness therapy program (the go to description as it is very hard to describe what we do). Well, come to find out the Janice’s son is a movie director who wrote and directed a film called Short Term 12. The story takes place at a foster child/therapy facility that house kids as they weight for placement.

After watching, I can easily say this is the closest representation of my job that I have found. We have way more rules (i.e. no technology) and never leave students alone, but beyond that the emotional roller coaster (walking with students that want to leave) and the unknown surprises that come each day are spot on. 

My nine months here thus far have been ones that I would never have imagined. I often wonder if I saw this movie prior to coming here if I would have taken the job. I don’t know. Part of me wishes I could see the film unexposed to the things I have seen, just to have a raw reaction. Because, honestly, all the things that happened in the film didn’t faze me. And that kind of scares me. But I suppose, at this point, there is no going back. 

Maui Relived

11 years ago I went to Maui for the first time. Having to follow someone else’s agenda, I remembered leaving the island vowing to come back again one day and see all of the times that I heard about: the seven sacred pools, the road to Hana, and all of the hidden waterfalls that the East side of the island housed in its lush, tropical vegetation.

The past 5 days was everything I imagined and more.  I had no clue the company I would keep on the second round of this Island’s adventure nor where their ideas would take me. I can say without a flea’s bit of doubt that we did our best to explore the nooks and crannies of this beautiful island. Yet, there is a place in my heart that knows the points on the map that we didn’t get to. Until next time, I will hold my new Maui memories in that special place that will always bring a sigh and smile to my face whenever I relive those 5 glorious days on Maui.

Thanks Laura and Annie for exploring with me. 

The journey wouldn’t have been the same without you.

Friday, April 29, 2016

Morning flight from Hilo to Kauluhui. Picked up my Laura. Chill at air bnb in Wailuku before heading up Haleakala for sunset and star gazing.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Beach Day: DT Fleming Beach Park, Ka`anapali Beach, Hanakoe`o Beach Park, and Lahaina Banyan tree climbing. Camping at Kanaha Beach Park

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Eaarly rise for the road to Hana the Back Side! Stopped at Grandma’s Coffee and St. Peter’s Church. Hike the Pipiwani Trail to Wamoku Falls going through a bamboo forest and past Makahilea Falls in Haleakala National Park in the Kipahulu district. The took a short hike to Ohe`o Gulch (Seven Sacred Pools). One last jaunt to the Red Sand Beach in Hana, Camped at Kipahulu Campground where we were fed steak by our fun neighbors.

Monday, May 2, 2016

After being serenaded by Rainbow Light (a homeless man we gave a cliff bar to), we started the road from Hana. Wai`anapanapa State Park, Keanae, found a waterfall swim hole MM10, and a late lunch at Paia Flatebread. Camped at O`lowalu near Lahaina.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

`Iao State Park, Ali`I Lavender Farm, Skyline Eco Adventures Zipline tour. Sunset at Ho`okipa Beach Park with so many sea turtles. Final stop: Mama’s Fish house for Pina Coladas. Stayed at air BnB in Haiku-Pauwela.

Life’s Revolving Door

Every Christmas season I watch the Muppet's Christmas Carol. One line always surfaces to the front of my brain when I find myself witnessing the movement of those around me: “Life is full of meetings and partings. That is the way of it.”

This should be the motto of the place I work as new people come every week and students leave every week after any where from a 72 hour stay to multiple weeks and months. This too applies to the staff. My first shift was someone’s last. Out of the 10 people in my training group, there are only 5 left.

This week, I tried to figure out which line to say to those staff moving on, seeking new adventures, taking a step in a new direction: Best of luck...good-bye…farewell…see you later…until next time…until we meet again… I’ll see you when I see you….hasta la vista… 

I know the probability of me seeing any of them ever again is slim to known. I find that I still struggle with the same hiccup in my life style: How much do I invest in building a relationship with people that are going to leave?

I still don’t have the answer. I know there isn’t enough time in the day or enough energy within my being to invest in everyone all the time. I am not built for that. So, I look for the moments when they arise, to be present and engaged in supporting people in the ways that I can.

And as I watch the people that I have gotten to know walk through the spinning door I am grateful they intersected with my life. I look back on the lessons they have taught me and the laughter they caused to well up within me and smile.

I know I will have moments when I wish some of them were part of a moment that was unfolding as I can imagine a reaction that would be priceless or an out-of-no-where bomb of wisdom that would blow my mind.

As the years pass, I look forward to seeing which memories float to the surface or which adventures are relived through a story with a new friend. The door will never stop revolving. People will always come and go for that truly is the way of it. 

And so another page turns in their story and in mine.

All hands in for one final word - Pacific Quest style.

Merrie Monarch Festival

“Hula is the language of the heart….therefore the heartbeat of the Hawaiian people”

This past week Hilo was the center of attention for the Hula community for this Island and a good many of the surrounding islands including the rest of Hawaii, New Zealand, and Japan. The festivities began on Sunday the 27^th of March and ended this past Sunday. The three nights of competition each with a different winner: Thursday - the Miss Aloha Hula, Friday – Group Hula Kahiko, and Saturday – Group Hula `Auana.

I have had the Merrie Monach Festival on my radar for months. I even tried to get tickets by mail back in January. Alas my efforts failed as I got a letter in reply stating that this year they received over 1700 ticket requests postmarked December 1^st.

I was disappointed that I had to work during most of the events; however, I did get a curbside seat for the 2-hour long parade! In the end I am glad I didn’t end up getting tickets. The competition was streamed live online starting at 6pm and running close to 11pm each night. I wouldn’t have lasted sitting in the auditorium for that long. Still it was a great event to experience and be a part of in the ways that I could. I leaned how much thought goes into each dance as the movements are beautifully crafted to tell a story. Each of the costumes was custom made just for this performance, with handmade designs to enhance the telling of the story.

I so, so enjoyed the two free shows I saw at the local hotels and completely ate up the opportunity to make my own lei! I couldn’t help but drink in the fragrance of those wonderful plumeria blossoms.

Friday, April 1^st: Shows at the Hilo Hawaiian and the Hilo Naniloa Hotel, Lei making with real plumeria flowers, and First Friday

Saturday, April 2^nd: Merrie Monarch Parade and live online broadcast

Monday, April 4^th: Maui planning